3 years ago today I was anxiously awaiting a phone call from the fertility clinic after my long two week wait and a blood draw to see if my first IUI worked (artificial insemination). IUI is the step below IVF and significantly less money than IVF. I had talked myself into the fact that we had been trying for so long to have a baby and that us getting pregnant on our first IUI was going to be our story just like ‘my friends uncles sisters cousin who tried for a long time and got pregnant on here first IUI”.
When you are trying for so long people tend to squirm when you talk about infertility and in an honest effort to console you they give you these types of scenarios. And you want to believe them because you want the pain to go away but the honest truth to is that your story is YOUR story, not your ‘cousins husbands sisters best friends DOG’s” story.
I received the call around 2:30pm that It didn’t work. My heart felt like it burst into a million pieces. The tech on the phone apologized, quickly told me my next steps and hurried off the phone. I do not admire their job of telling all these extremely sensitive women pumped full of hormones who could explode at a moments notice on anyone for no apparent reason at all, that they are not pregnant and they will have to go through another month of torture yet again with only the slightest bit of hope of success. -Sorry for the tears and awkwardness on my part as I tried to hold it together to whoever it was that called me that day on the phone.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was currently a nanny for my sister at the time and I had her two kids in the back of the car, and my mom in the front seat. I do not remember where we were going but I remember pulling over to the side of he road to answer the phone call. My mom must have seen the blood drain out of my face as she quickly put her hand on my leg to comfort me. As soon as I was off the call I burst into tears. I remember asking her why I had to go through all this and why I had to wait so long to just have a baby! She said the words that would stick with me for a long time and would end up getting me though the rest of my infertility journey and possibly the rest of my life. She said “Ashley, Heavenly Father has a plan or you. There is a purpose for all of this. This is YOUR story. Your story is that you did NOT get pregnant on your first IUI. It is much greater than that. It comes with a lot of pain but he is preparing you for something much grater than you can even imagine. Just know that THIS is YOUR story and you need to be able to tell it one day.”
Boy was she right. In the moment I truly HATED my story. My story was hard and it hurt constantly and I wasn’t sure what the ending was. But I knew I wanted to know in that moment so I could just get to it.
I had this sense of depression wash over me. I was mostly in zombie mode the rest of the day doing the bare minimum to just be done with work and go home to hopefully cry in my bed with Tyson holding me the rest of the night. But Heavenly Father had a different plan for me.
As I was truly on auto pilot driving home I was trying to numb my feelings so I didn’t have to deal with it, but I had a months worth of Clomid in me and that medication refuses to be numbed. I fought through it and just made my way home to Tyson who was waiting for me on the couch. I collapsed into his arms and he just held me for awhile telling me the same thing my mom had earlier but just in different words. All the sudden the doorbell rang and there was my brother in law, Bo (One of Tyson’s many brothers) standing there with this…
He said to get our stuff and that him and Drake (Another brother) were taking us out to my favorite restaurant Tucanos! Somehow they knew exactly what I needed in that moment. I needed an army to lean on to get me through all this. I didn’t need to be going through something so difficult alone like I wanted to and like I had in the years past. I needed to know that I was not alone and although this life honestly sucks sometimes and we all have some hard trial that we aren’t sure what are for in the moment. We are not alone if we just look to The Lord. He will send people to help us and make our burden lighter.
That phrase “Make our burden lighter” has a new meaning for me over time than what I originally thought it meant. To make your burden lighter does not mean that the burden goes away or is ‘fixed’, it means that you will be able to carry that burden better.
We have to go through hard things in this life. It is what this life is about. It makes us who we are and prepares us for thing in our future. Sometimes we will find out the meaning and sometimes we might have to wait till the next life to find out why we had to bear that burden. But we all have a choice here on this earth. We can choose to let those trials make us or break us. You choose how to deal with it and how it affects you, no one else.
One thing I learned about going through a trial like this is that it is ok to cry and feel sad for awhile, but don’t dwell there. Dwelling there is only going to make you more miserable and it doesn’t fix anything. But I do believe that being sad and really letting those emotions touch your soul is what changes you for the better. You have to feel those feelings to grow and learn and you have to let yourself feel that. Just get back up, dust yourself off and keep pushing forward.
Sometimes after letting yourself truly break down and feel, you get back up and have a new perspective. Sometimes you keep pushing forward in the same direction as before and sometimes it’s a completely different direction. As long as you are pushing forward towards something you are moving in the right direction.
God had a plan for me. My story was unfolding, it wasn’t in the way I expected or wanted but it was right for me. My story would continue for awhile longer with more heart ache and heart break. 3 more failed IUI’s and a loss of hope for awhile. But if I wouldn’t have gone through all that I wouldn’t be who I am today or where I am today. I wouldn’t be typing this and you wouldn’t be reading this. If I would have had my way I wouldn’t have had these babies and I would be someone entirely different because I wouldn’t have grown in the ways that I did.
His timing is perfect. It’s usually not our timing and most of the time not our plan but it is so much better and beautiful this way. Life is suppose to be hard and confusing because without the pain and the sorrow we would not truly know the joy and the happiness of our triumphs.
This is MY story, not yours. Your story is beautiful and perfect for you and your life. Whatever it may be keep pushing towards something. This life is so short compared to the whole picture. All will be made right in the end. Let this trial you are going thorough make you and not break you. You can do hard things. Whatever your reward may be it will be far grater than you ever could imagine.
Man, Just look what we would have missed out on if we would have had it OUR way…..
Read these past blogs with uplifting words about trials…..