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Last Christmas….

  
Christmas time has always been such a hard time for me! The holidays always reminded me of not having my family here yet! I would always watch everyone around me and how much joy their children brought them during the holiday season and we were always heading home to an empty house! We always spend most of our time during the holidays at our families houses to fill our void as much as possible. We are so grateful for nieces and nephews who would do this for us. 

   
 

But Tyson, Bentley and I would leave and go home to a quiet home 

  
   

My family has a lot of holiday traditions and going to a bunch of Christmas programs over the month of December are most of them! 

 
Although we go to many one of my long time favorites is going to see The Forgotten Carols! 

 

Christmas 2013 was a hard one for me…we had been trying for a baby for 8 years and nothing was working. I had began to wonder if I would ever be a mother. If I would ever see my children’s eyes light up around the Christmas tree and be able to take them to all these programs we attend. 

At The Forgotten Carols there is this song called “Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby” and it has me in tears every year.  But Christmas 2013 had me, along with Tyson and my whole family, crying and holding hands! As they sang the words not only I felt the pain, everyone did! They all know my very real fear of never holding my own baby in my arms and everyone was hurting for us! Even with everyone hurdled around me in support I felt so alone and forgotten. I felt this song was for me and I knew I could still do good in this world being childless! 

Here are the lyrics to the song….

Mary let me hold her baby
Her newborn son

Though I’d never be a mother

I felt like one
Mary let me hold her baby

So she could rest

And ever since that night

I held Him

My life’s been blessed
Those like me

who can’t have children

Still can be mothers

Something in His eyes

convinced me

I could serve so many others
Mary let me hold her baby

So soft and warm

Mary let me hold her baby

And I was reborn
Something in His eyes

convinced me

I could serve so many others
Mary let me hold her baby

So soft and warm

Mary let me hold her baby

And I was reborn

  
Every year they sell the picture that goes with this song and it has always caught my eye and had so much meaning behind it! This Christmas Tyson knew I needed something more than just new pajamas or slippers or a shirt. He wanted to do something meaningful that I could have forever. He was trying to tell me that I was still a Mother even though I didn’t have any children of my own. That everything would be ok and that it was all in Gods hands! That Christmas morning when I opened this present, tears once again streamed down my face. I looks at my sweet husband who was also crying because he knew my pain and wanted so much to take it away. It was the perfect gift and I cherish it so much! 

You can buy this painting here when the Christmas season arrives.

Little did we know that the next holiday season would be very different! I would be in a hospital room hardly able to even get out of bed by myself pregnant with the 4 most beautiful babies I’ve ever seen. 

  

With a Christmas tree in the corner of my room I had lived in for 7 weeks.  


With not only the same strong support from our families but the support of an army behind me…. All of you! 

  
I am so grateful the the experiences in this life who shape us into who we are. It is up to us to choose how we let them affect us and how we handle it! 

We are much stronger than we know and you are NEVER alone! 

Be strong and do your best today! 

-Ashley